Totally Bad

poster-portrait-dove-1924

Again, I suppose, one more failure falls upon me, and I have no right to refuse when all my fancies exploded, each piece flying to myself, hurt deeply.

I could not figure why, one or two years ago, or maybe even now, so little progress I had achieved. Three years, college plus high school where I thought one day the class of A would welcome me, here the chance to get abroad slipped from my hand, full of regret I could say. 

In my study, never once I reached my ideal goal, and no reward I have ever been qualified. Total a failure I deem my college life to be.

Among my affections, after that break-up, I got many rejections from others while emotional downcast attacked me occasionally throughout the hard days.

And when it comes to my life, it is definitely, others may say, boring and lame. I just try to do what I think is right for me all along the days though it seems not so at present. 

Even let alone English, which I have spent the most time on in these two years, I do not think it is great for me to write such easy and childish and Chinglish essays to express my disappointment at myself.

All of the results above, could boil down to one fact: I am not so good as what I thought. Maybe it is for me to truly realize my real situation, and I only have one reason to explain that: not so hardworking as others do, as I thought before, even if it seems so to others. But facts speak louder than anything.

Does interest in major matter? When it is about money, seemingly absolulte; when about time, of course; when about life, who knows.

In fact, I am not so sorrow than that yesterday I was. Compared with others, I am actually bad indeed. 

Despised by myself, I look down to myself for my inner heart.

Nothing serious, life sucks. I write some words to try to relax myself and show my acceptance of ordinary.

I could complain. I know I shouldn't. It is none sense. No meaning. It couldn't change anything.

Really, accept it. Facts do not have impacts. Beliefs do. But could it still be good? 

I do not know. I haven't figured it out by now.

Life continues. Time walks. As they were yesterday, last year. All along with us. Never changed.

Accept it. Upgrade yourself. Try your best.

Let me read this again:

God grant me the serenity 
to accept the things I cannot change; 
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

There is no god though, I believe, and I myself have to be that.

Ok, no matter what, let's face it first, some time still left.

I'll do what I should, I like, I think. 

I'll stand up again as sun rise from ground.

Welcome, new disappointment. Great, I did it.

Whatever, I earned it, bad or good.

Grow up, man. You have to.