chapter 6: TAKING A NO

view-of-the-village-of-castelnau

心仪的美人或男神在前，要不要搭讪？万一被拒怎么办？而且自己这身打扮好不好看？

当我们在面对诸如此类的困境时，一方面想得到某样东西，一方面又畏惧不确定带来的不安，尤其是被拒绝的“悲剧”，对方是一个人还好，要是在一群人面前表现，比如发言，演讲，当自己做了令人尴尬的事情时，很是恨不得找个地缝钻进去，或者希望这点时间赶快过去。

In the past, I’d always figured that the best way to minimize the pain of rejection was to get it over with as soon as possible—sort of like ripping a bandage off in one motion versus peeling it off slowly and prolonging the agony. In most cases, I would run away— sometimes literally—after hearing a no, ending the conversation as quickly as possible.

比如说在邻居家里种一朵花，找家麦当劳让他们按照你的配方做份吃的，去球迷家后院里踢会足球，找楼下保安问问看能不能借一百块钱，在飞机上替空姐宣读安全注意事项.............

这些事情很奇怪，且一般人看来 成功率非常低。我们单是去给老师、领导汇报工作报告，找人问路，给心爱的女孩递纸条儿，第一次时总是和会心跳加速，怕搞砸了，要是真搞砸了，也恨不得赶快逃离这个场景。

 但是不走会发生什么？

世界大战？天外飞星？突然地震？

他人嘲笑？看不起你？大骂你一顿？连打带踢被赶出来？

Now, I wanted to see what would happen if instead of fleeing the scene of a rejection, I would stick around to find out what would happen next. Little did I know how much I would learn by simply not running away.

不不不，这些都不会发生。即使发生了也没关系（虽然概率很低），这反而说明了对方是个什么样的人。 我们和对方的这一场交集，只是大家人生中极其短暂的一瞬间，彼此的轨迹不会发生多大变化，各自的反应也是性格的特定部分，所以跟人没多大关系，跟事情的关系很大，总会有你讨厌的人，也总有你喜欢的人，对方也是一样。

何况得到否定回答是多么简单的事情，在天时地利人和任何一项不符，即可pass掉，所有的责任不在你，有可能是对方今天纯粹心情不好，就是不喜欢。

当我们能站在探索的角度来看时，别人的每一个“拒绝”都是被“接受”

包裹，只不过我们没有找到正确的打开方式。按照这个思路去对待每一件事情，那么别人的拒绝就不会令人那么沮丧，不喜欢我可以换个时间问，不想说话那就换个人答。

Every no is actually surrounded by a whole bunch of interesting but invisible yeses that it was up to me to uncover.

 在想被他人接受你的请求时，有两个小方法可以尝试。

1)Ask why before goodbye

Asking why tended to clear up any misunderstanding on my part about the other person’s motivations. In the past, when I was rejected, I had automatically assumed that I’d done something wrong. But by spending a little more time with the man who initially turned me down, I’d discovered that what I was offering simply didn’t fit his situation. There was nothing personal about it.

在我们提出想法之前，所有的构思都是独立完成，这意味着并不清楚对方的任何偏好信息，自己的提议只是一味地以自我为中心。难免异想天开。

当和对方说明后，我们不知道他们的想法，只能得到他们的回应，是或者否。可能不是那么干脆，但并不是所有人都会告诉我们他们为什么会这样反应，那么我们可以轻声问一句：为什么呢？

这也算是一线希望。

得到答案后，我们可以再和自己的心里预期调整，至少知道了对方的预期和我们的请求之落差，那么问题就捋出来了，解决办法就很可能有所着落，总比瞎猜要好。

再说反正都已经被拒了，还有什么好怕的？怕再被拒一次不成?

2）Another one to choose

Approaching a different person, rather than continuously trying to convince the same person again and again, regardless of his needs and preferences, was much more productive. Another way to “switch up” is to change environments. 

改变一个人是很难的，这一点从改变自己的经验里就可以体会到。（——连岳）我时常默念这句话，以此来提醒自己不可强求，不可操之过急，更不能多管闲事。

当对方确凿地回复拒绝时，如果非亲非故，那就别多做一丝无谓纠缠，所有的停留都是无用功。换个人吧。

一个人长这么大，有自己的是非判断，喜好无常，多元化是最好的状态，那就别强迫别人接收自己的一元化认知。

回到正题，这一章给出的lessons是这：

1. Ask “Why” Before Good-bye: Sustain the conversation after the initial rejection. The magic word is “why,” which can often reveal the underlying reason for the rejection and present the rejectee with the opportunity to overcome the issue.

2. Retreat, Don’t Run: By not giving up after the initial rejection, and instead retreating to a lesser request, one has a much higher chance of landing a yes.

3. Collaborate, Don’t Contend: Never argue with the rejector. Instead, try to collaborate with the person to make the request happen.

4. Switch Up, Don’t Give Up: Before deciding to quit or not to quit, step back and make the request to a different person, in a different environment, or under a different circumstance.

对比我自身，想起两件事。

一是上周大表哥结婚，父亲喝了点酒。鉴于历史原因，我和母亲一致认为早点带他回家为好，省得醉酒多话惹麻烦。人生谁都不容易，哪个也都不是省油的灯，那就避免哪壶不开提哪壶了。然后他送几位亲戚出门，我强制性拉他回去，僵持了几分钟，还是路上有其他人开车要过，他才让步，我带着他回去了。路上不厌其烦重复两句话：吸烟的都是SB；每个人都难。

这里我没有把父亲当做collaborator，无法switch up，当时也没想那么多，只是要解决问题。

二是这样一句话：表白是对女孩最大的厚爱和赞美。当被拒时，提出了ask，对方给出了理由。还不行，那就retreat and switch，毕竟要以提升自身为主, better to collaborate.

 这世界美好之处在于，人总是会成长的。世界看似一成不变，我们对世界的认知却不停地发生变化，或许是读一篇文章，跑一场步之后。巨变不会瞬间发生， 只是点滴积累，达到临界。

我现在家读书很慢，即使是中文也不很投入，要么被外物打断，要么被自己的思绪打乱。

一方面是读书时在思考，联想到自己曾经做的事情，遇到的困难，当时的心情，对方的反应，看与书中是否符合；一方面是在想，读书时的状态和投入事情时是不一样的，一个是纯理论空想，一个是实践中不去行动。

千言万语，不如一个字：干。

再多的谋划，也是需要去实施。而延伸的思考和探讨，只是对这一规律的总结。在个人而言，其时其景是独一无二不可穿越的，你当时的选择和想法很大因素受过往塑造。

就像入眠一样，很神奇的事情，我们人类到现在还没搞清楚睡觉的机理。只是知道，你躺在床上，不一会就睡着了，无论想什么，可能带着想法入睡，也可能也想越纠结。

这一章的生字词很少，所以就换种写法，加上读时想到的一点，算上读后写的，不知觉竟这么多了。

1）Feeling scared and embarrassed, I bolted without explaining myself.

 bolt: 

(of a person) move or run away suddenly in attempt to escape

(of a horse or other animal) run away suddenly out of control

注意这个词，用在人和动物身上都是可以的，只是表达意思有轻微差别。

反正都是逃了。

All the human and domestic animals bolted while the earthquake.

2)the insight you might glean from the response you get could prove valuable.

glean:

extract (information) from various sources.

各种渠道收集信息。

How did you glean from the market about the demands in flowers?

最后是三个导读问题：

【1】How can asking “why” help us after being rejected?

Asking why tended to clear up any misunderstanding on our part about the other person’s motivations. 

There is a reason behind every decision that people make, whether it’s logical and well thought out or emotional and spur of the moment. Knowing the reason behind a rejection can help dissipate, or even dissolve, any of the pain one might feel otherwise. 

【2】 What’s meaning of “Retreat, Don’t Run”? Did you once succeed in landing a yes by implementing the retreating strategy? Please share with us.

Adjust the request and approach the “ask” from a different angle.

Yes, I did .

These days I am in home and my little brother always would like to play with me: nudging my legs then running away or pushing my body. But once I hit him back, chances are that his crying will torture all our families. If I barely say stop, nothing would change. So I lure him with some foods to let him get away with them and it usually works.

【3】  Please use three sentences to summarize the author’s experience of asking for ice cream with the “Thai Torture” favor.

With flavor ideas in head and after walking into the shop, he asked the store clerk to make me ice cream with a flavor I dubbed “Thai Torture.” , describing the flavor as a combination of dried pepper, jalapeño, and ghost chili—the spiciest ingredients he could imagine: an unsurprising no.

 When he asked if they had any spicy flavors, the clerk told him that they actually sold a few during the summer (this was wintertime), including a couple of jalapeño flavors and another called “chocolate wasabi” but couldn’t find any in the freezer. 

In the end, the clerk gave him some samples of Amy’s wacky bacon-and-mint-flavored ice cream, which he loved it.